Will You Marry Us?

The significance of premarital counseling

IT’S A WEIGHTY RESPONSIBILITY to be invited into someone’s plans for marriage. What if you’re not sure that the couple standing before you should get married? Listen in on a conversation between EFCA leaders about the sensitive and powerful role of premarital counseling.

Moderator

Pastor Mountainview EFC in Voorheesville, N.Y.

Participants

Senior Pastor Christ Power Church & Ministries (EFCA) in Baltimore, Md.

Member Christ Community Church (EFCA) in Leawood, Kan., and licensed clinical marriage and family therapist

Pastor/Counselor Living Word EFC in Pharr, Texas

Lead Pastor Trinity City Church (EFCA), a church plant in Saint Paul, Minn.

Q. How many people coming to you for premarital counseling fit the biblical criteria (both committed to Jesus, not living together, etc.)?

Ed Harris Very few couples fit that ideal. Many have either had relationships prior to getting married or are themselves connected sexually. Many have children together. “Ideal,” for me, is a relative term, because in our church community I have seen people who made bad decisions in their youth that they then grow from during their Christian walk. So when I say “ideal,” I mean a man and woman loving Jesus, loving each other and being obedient. I only do Christian weddings. I introduce in that first meeting, through God’s Word, that they want to accept the Lord Jesus Christ, and we talk about that.

Rueben Martinez Over the years I have performed 30-35 marriage ceremonies. Of those, about 10 fit an “ideal.” In the sense of people not having had sex before marriage, I have yet to come across an ideal one. I go in with the attitude that there needs to be grace. Sometimes I don’t even know whether they’re Christians or not, but I go straight to the character of God. Barbara Lucas I have worked with eight premarital couples. Half have been couples that grew up in the EFCA. Even though they might come in as the “ideal” couple, I have found that they also come in with high expectations of no brokenness because they did everything “right.” So we talk about the potential challenges they may face and about how true connection is possible through Christ, not because we did everything right.

Bryan Lair I take a couple of different approaches depending upon the couple. There will be some who are both professing Christians and want to approach the marriage in that perspective. With those types of couples, I hold them to a higher standard due to that confession: For example, if they are having sex, I won’t do counseling unless they refrain or one of them moves out. So they’re held to the accountability of Scripture.

However, my context is very diverse. I deal a lot with millennials: 20- to 30-year-olds, young professionals, those recently graduating. Their backgrounds are a lot more messy—spiritual but not religious. Some of these folks don’t confess that they are Christian, and so they are equally yoked in that regard (both not professing Christians). I don’t hold them to the same ethical standard as a Christian couple because they don’t have gospel knowledge. I want them to understand the Scripture first, and then they can understand the expectation. And there’s no guarantee that just because I do premarital counseling I do the ceremony. That’s made clear.

Q. Would you ever marry any two non-christians, particularly if they don’t respond to the Gospel within your counseling sessions? Or is that an automatic disqualifier?

Reuben I would not marry them if they decided not to trust the Lord. Yet I don’t give an immediate verdict/conclusion, but I give them time to process. I’ve had a number come back and reevaluate and eventually trust the Lord as Savior because they were given time to process what they heard.

Ed I agree with a lot of what Brother Ruben just shared. If they don’t know the Lord, I take two to three sessions to deal with the gospel before we even start to deal with the premarital counseling piece. When they come back, I present it to them with the understanding that I only do Christian weddings. I believe that’s the calling to us as pastors—to share with them the gospel of Jesus Christ so that a clear decision can be made. I share with couples: We’re going to be talking about Jesus, the Word of God, what it means to be a husband and wife based on Scripture. One couple I shared that with never called back, but that’s fine. God is holding me accountable to marry folks and share with them so they grow deeper through the counseling session.

Bryan I would marry two unbelievers. I have not yet done this, but the reason for this comes from my reading of the biblical story: It’s a creation institution. In other words, it’s an institution that applies to people regardless of religious or social backgrounds. But that doesn’t mean that, for my premarital counseling approach, I remove the gospel. I take a gospel-centered approach, and I make it clear up front: I’m a Christian counselor, and I can’t separate those things. So if they’re comfortable with that, I will proceed. In terms of premarital counseling, there are not many situations that have been presented to me that I would not take on, but my approach would be different for each. The big deal breaker for me is that I would not do a marriage for an unequally yoked couple. There was a situation where I took a couple that was unequally yoked, and the one became a Christian during the counseling process.

Barbara I do not marry couples. I usually go into the counseling making it clear that I am never without my faith, so faith is going to be part of the process. I also explain, throughout the process, what marriage can look like with Christ being the foundation as well as what it can look like with Christ not being the foundation.

Q. Do you require your cohabiting couples to live separately before you marry them?

Reuben I strongly suggest it, but in several cases they have been living together for six or seven years and already have children. I tell them it would help them, and I talk about the ill-effects of how they are living, but I don’t push it. Not a deal-breaker for me. It is better to encourage them to make the commitment to marry, rather than focus on abstaining for a few days or weeks before getting married, especially if they have had a long-standing relationship.

Bryan Again, if they profess to be Christians, my standards are a little higher. Even social studies are telling us that those who cohabitate are less satisfied. Women see living together as a step toward marriage, a way to get to more commitment. Men think it’s a way to give it a trial run and postpone commitment. The gospel says to the man: Until you understand that the God of the universe became a man in Jesus Christ and committed Himself to you on the cross, you won’t understand the purpose of marriage and why it’s so unjust of you to enter into this relationship with this woman. He’s thinking postpone commitment. And the gospel says commit, and be willing to lay down your life. My goal in counseling is to give them that gospel foundation and then say “now stop it.” I don’t want to say “stop it” and then explain; that’s legalism.

Ed I agree. Most of the couples I’ve married did live together. They have established their lifestyle together. They have children, bills, everything together. So it’s a challenge to tell one person to leave the house. But I tell them that the Bible is full of reminders that God established marriage, so I ask them to look at ways they can glorify God in the framework they live in. I’ve suggested that they abstain from sex. Of course, I don’t have cameras in their home [everyone laughs]. But they have at least in front of me agreed. I want that to be established from day one: Your marriage relationship is about glorifying God.

Bryan In addition to cohabitation, there seems to be an increase in even a professed Christian’s willingness to date and be engaged to and possibly marry someone who doesn’t share the same worldview. Many of them don’t think critically that this could be a problem, so that’s one reason I’m open to counseling when one is a professing Christian and one is not. If I don’t do it, I don’t want the progressive, resurrection-denying pastor down the street to do the counseling. I want to counsel the couple through why they should not consider marrying one another until they figure out if they will be on the same page in terms of their faith and their worldview. I tell the Christian, “Either back off of the relationship and wait for this person to figure out where he’s going to be in his relationship with Christ, or do some soul searching and decide: Are you going to minimize your faith in the gospel and move forward by marrying this person, or are you going to hold Christ highly and reassess this?”

Q. In our culture of blended families, we address many broken marriages. And in our EFCA movement there is a continuum of believing that remarriage is, or is not permitted. Please comment.

Bryan Each pastor/counselor has to figure out what his/her theology of divorce and remarriage is, and develop a conviction. If you’re confused about it, what’s going to happen to the couple? My approach is that certainly divorce is in Scripture—not because it’s something to be celebrated, but because it’s sin. Jesus said it was because of hardness of heart that Moses allowed this. You’re getting situations where people have made bad decisions in the past, so you’re dealt a mess, and the God-like response is to saturate the front end with grace. But grace doesn’t just leave us there; it transforms us.

Reuben Some come in with hardness of heart; so if I sense that, that’s where I go. On the other hand, if they’re hurting, I hurt with them. Then I talk about God’s good intentions for them. There’s sin involved, and [we] deal with that. God is a great redeemer, and He is able to redeem our messes. I went through a divorce in 1983. It was so bad, I was suicidal. But God redeemed and is now able to use me to minister to people.

Q. As we reach pre-christians and construct communities that are welcoming, how do we prepare for the day when people in a same-sex relationship, whose hearts are being made tender by the spirit of God, say, “We want to talk to you about marriage”?

Reuben We need to understand the common longings that all human beings have and start there. We all want love; we all want to matter. If we address those common longings, maybe they’ll be more likely to hear what we have to say. Then we can talk about God’s design.

Ed I would extend the hand of grace, share the gospel of Jesus Christ, but also let them know what God’s expectation is for those who put their trust in Him.

Barbara We all struggle with something where we have to make a choice to say, Here’s the desire of my life that’s not of God. How do we all make this choice to not follow our desire but follow Christ? I would welcome the conversation to talk about marriage and would prepare for it by being very clear about my role: to learn about the relationship, educate through Scripture, make them aware of options, offer a chance to choose Christ and love/accept them as they are. If the couple chooses to work against their desires (which both of the homosexual couples I have counseled did), I would continue working with them individually, as old habits are hard to break. If the couple chooses to follow their desires and marry, I would feel comfortable knowing that I executed my role of introducing Christ into their relationship and His desire for their lives.

Is there any angle to the premarital counseling situation where you’d like to have further conversation with others in the EFCA movement?

Ed Working with blended families. There are some situations where the husband-to-be and wife-to-be are deeply in love, but they may have children who don’t feel the same about who their parent is getting ready to marry.

Bryan One thing that can bring a healthy perspective is when older brothers and sisters come alongside me as the rookie pastor and tell me their stories. These situations are coming my way eventually, and it’s good to be able to process it before it happens. So when there’s mentoring in our movement, that adds to the strength of the approach.