Marriage Is Not the End-Game

Addressing misplaced attitudes toward marriage and singleness by Jordan Mogck

Wise approach to the times

MY WIFE AND I BROKE CURRENT STEREOTYPES by entering into marriage at the tender ages of 21 and 20. It turns out that being young and married in cohabitating hipsterville Minnesota made us targets for a fair amount of (often unsolicited) advice. The advice shed light on some of our culture’s current attitudes toward marriage and why so many people stay single so long nowadays.

Our statistic-happy evangelical culture tries hard to answer the “why” question with sociological data. For instance, the rising marrying age: In 1950, the average marrying age was 23 for men, 20 for women. By 2012, most men are approaching 30 when they first get married, and women are waiting until 26 (1).

This statistic is often wielded in the church to make grown men feel like adolescents, calling them to “step up” and get married. But it’s usually more complicated than that.

For example, the average debt of a college graduate is close to $25,000 (2). Add a college-educated spouse and a hard job market, and you’re looking at difficulty paying off that debt. It’s simply easier to wait a bit longer, and get a little more stable, before getting married.

However, that’s not where the story ends. More than 25 percent of all children under age 21 are growing up with single parents (64 percent of them divorced or separated) (3). A huge percentage of our population has only failed examples of marriage to aspire toward. Such a massive endemic of failure is bound to inform a widespread shunning of the institution. Why set yourself up for failure, after all?

It’s no wonder, then, that men and women prolong their premarital relationships—often moving in together—just to make sure their significant other is whom they want to be with for the long-haul.

Statistics are interesting, for sure. But here’s the rub: The people in your church and in your community aren’t statistics.

Each single’s story is probably a complex combination of any of the aforementioned, plus difficulty finding the right person, commitment to a demanding career, caring for an ailing family member, etc. We haven’t even scratched the surface of possibilities for why someone is single.

What I’ve come to learn is that while statistics help paint a picture of the current trends, the gospel of Jesus Christ has not changed. The end goal is not a simple combination of Plan A: See all the singles married. Plan B: Advise those who don’t marry to take a vow of celibacy and move to the 10/40 window for missions work. The gospel gives more latitude than that.

Our faith demands we take a sensitive and wise approach toward the times, including peoples’ choices to marry or not. So what’s the approach to take in this culture where singles are putting off marriage? The same as with anyone else in your community: discipleship.

We should be discipling singles, just like everyone else, toward faith in Jesus. Period.

Discipling others in the gospel means that the end goal is contentment in, and obedience to, Jesus. Nothing else.

We all tend to either over-value or under-value marriage, when the reality is that marriage is temporary. It’s a big, glorious deal, but it’s not ultimate. After all, Jesus laid it out clearly: There is no marriage in the resurrection (Matthew 22:30). Earthly marriages are mere shadows of the marriage of Jesus Christ to His Church-bride.

We’d do well to make that glorious hope our aim in discipleship—whether through enacting mini-dramas of it through marriage or with contented singles eagerly waiting the day when they are fully His bride.

Either way, my prayer for our churches is that marriage would be rightly honored as a mere pointer to our awesome God and His profound love toward us, and that all of His children would live in contented obedience to Him in whatever life situation we find ourselves.